My baby girl's 1st birthday went very smoothly. I was very pleased with the turn out and how things went. I really didn't do as much planning for her birthday as I have for my son's party's. Just a lunch, cake and a pinata for the kids. It's the first party that I didn't feel like I was stressed about entertaining anyone. It was also the easiest to clean up afterward.
Now that the party has come and gone, I've been focusing on the things I need to get done this week before I have my surgery. My daughter's doctor's appointment and immunizations, my son's first day back to school, taking my step-daughter back home to her mom, etc. I should feel less stressed since this week should be more relaxed but my anxiety level is rising. I've trying to do what I can to take my mind off the inevitable but it's not working. I am now having dreams that involve my upcoming surgery and the fears that come along with it.
I was talking with a friend of mine today who was asking how I was dealing with everything and my eyes started tearing up. It's so frustrating because I feel like I should be over this emotionally, which I do know is not a realistic expectation, but I hate feeling this way. Hopefully after I have my thyroid removed and they test it, I will have good news, that I don't have to worry about IF I have any type of cancer at the age of 30. I want can be sure that I can watch my kids grow up and be there for them, the way that I want to be there for them and the way my mother was not able to do for me.
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